Sunday, April 5, 2009

Fixing My Back

Okay, because those of you reading this know me and love me I will share this little experience with you. I would ask you not to judge me too harshly as you read this.

Luckily there are no pictures to go with this post. That would have just been too embarrassing!!!

Today as I stood in the bathroom fixing my hair and applying makeup so I would look presentable at the church as I watched Conference I felt an unbelievable stabbing pain across the center of my back. It was so bad that it took my breath away and I could barely keep standing. I gasped for breath, bent over at the waist and hunched my back like a cat. That relieved a little pressure, but as I stood up the pain started again. Thinking it might be a circulation problem (and looking for an excuse to be rid of a certain undergarment) I gasped and moaned in pain as I removed my girdle. .......DARN!! It still hurt. I figured the girdle was not the problem, but not wanting to make things worse I kept it off, went back to the bathroom to complete my beauty regime and just suffer the pain.

I finished dressing, then came downstairs very carefully as every step seemed to cause me more pain, and sat at the computer to write in my journal. The pain let up somewhat but was still there. Shiloh called, and as I was talking to her that severe stabbing pain came back so I hung up and called Hillary to see if she had any clue what was going on. I was so worried that it might be serious, you know, a strange virus attacking my back or something worse. I tell you all this so the next part of the story won’t seem so,… umm, strange.

Well, she had the answer right away. For the last 21 days (with few exceptions) I have spent almost 8 or more hours a day in the car. At the minimum at least 4 or 5. In very technical terms she explained that I have compressed some vertebrae in my back and it was probably pinching a whatchamacallit nerve causing the pain. The way to relieve it was to hang on my inversion table for 5 minutes. Great!!! Except the table is in Idaho. No problem she said. Just go find some monkey bars and hang upside down. People will think you’re a crazy old lady, but hey, if it makes you feel better.

Well, it is raining here and I really don’t want to go out in the rain to do this. I called Shiloh to tell her what was going on and told her I thought I could hang from the banister. She suggested that maybe I just lay upside down on the stairs. Pssshaw! I can do this!! I was a gymnast!!

Okay… remember, please don’t judge me.

Not wanting to expose myself to the emptiness of my apartment, I took off my skirt and slip and put on a pair of stretch pants, went to the stairway and slipped my legs through the posts to hang by my knees against the wall with my head down by the steps. Hmmm….. this lasted for about 15 seconds before my legs began to cramp terribly. Oh NO!!!! I can’t just lift myself up with my stomach muscles as I did 30 years ago. There are no muscles there!! (so much for that gymnast thing!) I reached back to try and pull myself up by the banister and gently slide my legs out. Left leg came out no problem but the right leg was caught and my BAD HIP (yeah, I forgot about that) was preventing me from moving it. OUCH!!!! I am in great pain by this point and I can’t let go of the banister because I will fall down the stairs! I have visions of no one finding me for weeks, and when they do I am in this ridiculous outfit. ..."What was she thinking?" I can hear them laughing.

I finally bite the bullet and let go. My Right leg comes out and I go sliding down the stairs on my back head first. I put my hands over my head and slow my descent finally stopping about 2 steps before the little angled landing step. Well, this actually didn’t feel to bad so I decided to lie there for several minutes. After about 10 minutes I realized that the blood was all in my head and I should get up. The question was how? I will admit that the first thought I had (a remnant of my gymnastics days) was to just lift my feet up over my head and flip lightly onto my feet. Then sanity set in and a mental picture of my butt print smashed through the wall at the bottom of the stairs stopped me. I really knew in my heart I probably wouldn’t make it all the way over anyway so I very slowly turned over to my stomach and snaked my way down to the floor where I finally made it to my feet.

The good news is that I think I finally got my hip joint back in place and for the first time in weeks I feel no pain there. Also, the pain in my back is a little better. The bad news is that I am really realizing the limitations of my physical body. The spirit is often willing but the body is definitely weak and out of shape. I should really do something about that, but for now I need to get in the truck, drive to the chruch and sit some more.

I hope you have a good day.


Cathy Shields said...

Forgive me......but I'm still laughing!!!!!

Glad you are ok...I think you could have done serious harm.

Guffey Family said...

Ooohhh!!!....laughing.... I hurt already!... gasp... deep breath...ok... that post made my day!

Jacob and Cami said...

I would have LOVED to seen that!! I probably wouldn't have helped, but would have laughed with you.

leschornmom said...

I have never felt so guilty for laughing in my life!!!! You kill me! Thank you for that!!!!

Elisabeth Benge said...

tears are literally falling down my cheeks! SORRY! glad your hip feels better!

Bryan and Sherry said...

too funny! I wish I could have been a mouse in the corner!

Cali and Travis said...

Why wasn't there someone walking by with a camera? That would have been too hilarious!

leschornmom said...

Cindy, I COULD share my story about how I got stuck in my bathtub this morning... with my casted leg hanging over the side... unable to move... for fear that I'd slip and break something else...and how I had to have my daughter help me out...and while that MIGHT make you feel a little better... I WON'T tell you all that...It would just be too embarrassing.